Chad Stewart: Failed Humorist

In case you happen to be out the loop, I just so happen to be an expert on Floridian economy. I have a certificate somewhere. It’s with my degree in Being Awesome and my C++ certification. I have had my picture taken with some of the state’s greatest public figures like Dan Marino, Jeb Bush and Tony Blair. Hanging on my wall is the hundredth alligator that I wrestled a baby from its mouth. Ever since I received the key to the state some months ago, I felt that I should tell people about the economy of the great state in which I used to reside. Florida: The First Baptist State.

Now, everyone knows what Florida exports: Oranges, Everglades, and sunshine. All of the orange juice in the world is made from the fresh, dimply oranges grown here in Florida. As for the Everglades and sunshine, well, if you don’t know about their importance in Floridian economy you’re as lost as Jack Shephard. What’s more interesting, however, is the items Florida imports. For all the people who are unfortunate (read: lucky) enough not to live here, this might come as a surprise. Are you ready? Florida’s top three imports are old people, homelessness and shitty driving.

I know what you are thinking. “But Chad, we have to put all of our elderly somewhere.” Well guess what, we are getting kind of full. Furthermore, we are clearly not getting the prime elderly. While everyone else has a Golden Delicious or a McIntosh, Florida is getting those bruised typeless apples that are soft and squishy. To put it in economic terms, I estimate our elderly to have a market value of approximately $1.16 a pound as compared to the nation-wide average of $2.37 a pound. For example, here is your average grandmother.

Image courtesy of http://www.higginsfamily.com

She has some signs of age, but she still looks fun to be around. Who knows, maybe she’ll spoil you with candy and ice cream sundays when you come by her house as opposed to filling you with guilt trips about her new-found loneliness. It still remains, however, that your average grandmother is still tolerable. Hell, she has all sorts of money and a stack of birthday cards so people don’t send her away. Most people will even visit her every month, take their cheek-twisting, and turn the other one.

Now, here is your average grandmother from Los Angeles.

Image courtesy of http://www.nickdenton.org/blogallery/Rupaul.jpg

Sure she may look young, and sure she may look like a woman, but your average grandmother in LA is a 47 year old man with a short stint in Hollywood. Hell, grandpa still doesn’t know and she may still very well be a waitress while hoping for her acting career to blossom. We don’t get very many grandmothers from LA simply because no one knows to send them over.

Moving on, let’s examine the grandmother’s from Alabama.

Image courtesy of http://warmonger.mu.nu/archives/cat_patriotic_pictures.php

She may be your sister. She may be your cousin. She may be your neighbor. None of this, however, discounts her from being your grandmother in Alabama. Unlike other civilizations, the Alabama family tends to stick together. Closely. I tried to map the map the average Alabamian… Alabamanesian… Alabamamian… Alabaman family tree but the math was too confusing. You can only draw so many branches before you feel you need a trim. Science tells us the reason that the average Alabaman family is because they follow the saying, “Old enough to pee, good enough for me,” when selecting a partner.

So what do we get? What kind of elderly is flocking to Florida? What sort of grandmother is put on that plane or train and “treated” to the Florida sun?

Image courtesy of http://www.cs.usm.edu/~bisland/teststuff.shtml

This is a Floridian grandmother. This thing is cruelty to children. Our sons and daughters actually have to witness this kind of thing on a daily basis. It’s terrible. They hobble for miles down the road with their wretched walkers. Grocery stores shudder at the sight of Grandma Ogre here. She’s extra wrinkly, extra misshapen, and extra cranky. Her family has condemned her to Florida. Now, her only fun in life is to scare little children and cut coupons. The longer she holds up the line, the happier she feels. If you don’t live in Florida, never before have you seen a box of evaporated milk take an hour to purchase. I’m pretty sure Stephen King has written something about this in one of his many trash horror novels. And yet, somehow they are less obnoxious than the homeless people.

My Thoughts: Miley Cyrus Photos

IGoByChad — Mon, 05 May 2008 23:44:14 +0000

Tween queen celebrity Miley Cyrus has been mired in controversy due to her latest photo shoot in Vanity Fair.

First Thought: Tween? Are you serious? We don’t need an age group between child and teenager. We’re pretty much all set, thank you. Tween sounds like some sort of kinky sexual act involving butt cheeks. I want to know who created this word and how they live with themself.

Miley Cyrus, the teen who plays Disney’s Hannah Montana, recently posed for some photographs that will grace magazine Vanity Fair. These photos have sparked a media frenzy and publications everywhere are describing them as controversial. You want to check it out? You want to see the scandalous photo that might as well be labeled smut?

Oh my! Look at this picture. Truly, I can see the decay of our children. All the little girls at home watching Hannah Montana that subscribe to Vanity Fair are going to become hookers. As if the midriff wasn’t enough, girls all over are going to be showing a little back as well! Damn it, why can’t these irresponsible stars get a hold on their life? Don’t they realize they are role models? First Britney Spears taught kids that it was fine to marry bad rappers, and then she proved that terrible parentings is in style. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan showed kids that it was just dandy to drive while under the influence. Now this? Miley Cyrus poisoning our kids with the notion that it’s fine to completely expose herself to the public? For all the concerned parents out there, I’ve posted a censored version of the photo below.

Honestly, I find it more appalling that she looks all pale and bony. I don’t want those many kids who subscribe to Vanity Fair to bleach their skin and stop eating. Kids will be imitating Holocaust victims in no time! The media is blowing this way out of proportion. In fact, I think that no one would have noticed, or cared, if it wasn’t for the media. Check out the ridiculous articles that are being published.

http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=311730>1=7702&silentchk=1&

http://music.msn.com/music/miley-growing-pains/?ocid=entnews_mileystory

http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/bill-oreilly-slams-miley-cyrus/

Also, honestly, how ridiculous is Bill O’Reilly? First of all, the dude is a nut. I think everyone knows that. I hear that he actually broadcasts from an insane asylum. Is he really complaining about her image just because she poses in a few photographs with an older boyfriend? Oh no! Alert the media! A celebrity teen has a boyfriend. The country’s morals are decaying as I speak. Links to some galleries with the photos below.

http://zzone.z100.com/jjz100/gallery/view_gallery.one?pid=25079979¤t_nav=0

http://www.dlisted.com/node/25543

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/06/miley_slideshow200806?slide=1

Sunday Funnies 05/04/08

IGoByChad — Sun, 04 May 2008 06:59:20 +0000

Every Sunday I will chronicle the webcomics that I have enjoyed that week. Note: I gave myself a bit of stretch in defining this first week.

This week in comics I like:

A fight on the interwebs.

Classic:

Techno!

Resurrection!

IGoByChad — Sat, 03 May 2008 20:49:10 +0000

You may notice that there is much less content here today than there was yesterday. Simply put, I’m restructuring. I’m editing. I’m revamping. I’m re-everything. I took all of the content down and I plan to republish it as I sift through it and clean it up. Make it better. Whore out my old stuff like Square Enix.

If you’d like to see everything in the old form, you can download a shoddily put together offline version. Sorry that it’s megaupload.

Merry Christmas!

IGoByChad — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 04:37:35 +0000

Merry Christmas, and I ain’t talking about Jesus’ birthday. Today means so much more than that nowadays. It’s about about giving up being a complete asshole to everyone all the time. It’s about enjoying the company of your family in any form possible. It’s a time to share; a time where friendship and kindness reign from their squabble, little throne.

Yes, Christmas is grand. It is a celebration of gifts and cards and sometimes even cards with gifts, which are undeniably the best types of cards. Some people would tell you, “It’s about giving, not receiving.” Those warm-hearted folk. They just love to give and give and give until their soft hearts melt. It’s simply endearing.

This is why I say, “Take what you can! Give nothing back!” Those suckers’ll keep on giving.

I Can Now Laugh at Dilbert Comics

IGoByChad — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 04:46:40 +0000

Hello America. You probably aren’t wondering, “Where has Chad been, lately?” You know what? I don’t blame you. For my own self-conceited narcissism, however, I will pretend as if you cared and I will tell you. I am now a working man. I am a cubicle dweller; a cubian, if you will. I proudly pop my newfound white collar, minus the popping part. If you pop your collar you are a douche bag. You are the dregs of society. You hate America and freedom.

Anyways, I have been bonding with my new co-workers. The following are some choice samples from the past month as captured by a co-worker of mine, Ryan.

While all the bosses were away, we decided to personalize our teams row of cubes. The theme?

That’s right.

We also decorated one of our team member’s cube a little bit more. He went and got married, the dummy. We decided to fill his now harsh and challenging new life with joy. Oh, and his cube with balloons.

Lots and lots of balloons.

So many balloons it was hard for him to get in.

He finally got in, and he loved it. Mission accomplished. To see more of these photos or download super high resolution versions of the camouflage net photos, or to see the entire balloon series, visit my homie’s Picasa gallery.